Ground Hog Day

Notre Dame, South Bend, IN - In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

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The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.
- Bill Vaughan

May 21st - Judgment Day!

Breaux Bridge, LA - It has come to my attention that a small group of Christians are suggesting that Judgment Day, also known as the Rapture, will occur this Saturday, May 21, 2011.

As I will not be among those being carried away to eternal bliss at the Lord's right hand (Way too many acts of television to be forgiven at this point) I would like to make this offer. I will be happy to take your real estate, appliances, collectables, valuables, etc and dispose of them for you. Feel free to reply here so the necessary paper work can be completed before Saturday.

Oh, yeah, no driving on Saturday. Can't have that car suddenly driverless while speeding down the highway.

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Louis Armstrong playing trumpet on the Judgment Day.
- Al Stewart

The National Turkey

President Obama issued a general pardon commuting the death sentence hanging over the National Turkey. Joe Biden is said to be greatly relieved.

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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
- W. C. Fields

You might have high blood pressure if…

You might have high blood pressure if...

- The machine says "Flaming Death on a Stick" when the test is finished.

- The inflatable cuff around your arm pops like a cheap balloon.

- The machine displays a message directing you to the "Industrial Model" on your right.

- The entire Eastern Seaboard blacks out during the test.

- The test stops and the machine tells you to "sit quietly, remain calm, paramedics are on the way."

- The fire sprinklers over your head go off during the test.

- The machine asks if your living will is up to date.

- At the conclusion of the test a spectral cloaked and hooded figure bearing a large scythe appears in front of you. It is staring at you, slowly shaking its head.

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One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.
- Earl Wilson

A 40mm hand gun… WANT!

The Meadowlands, NJ - Here's a fascinating little tidbit out of Miami:

The shooting happened after a dispute broke out shortly after 7:30 p.m. as spectators watched the game at West Perrine Park at 10321 Southwest 172nd Street, police said.

The four victims, all male, were taken to local hospitals. Three had leg wounds and one was shot in the shoulder. Two were flown to Jackson Memorial and the other two were transported by ambulance to Jackson South. Their conditions are unknown.

On Thursday afternoon, Miami-Dade police identified the shooters as Emmanuel Ajagbe and Corwin Dantzle, both 19, and 18-year-old Derrick Harrell. Shell casings for 9mm and 40mm rounds were found on the scene, police said.
NBC Miami: 4 Shot During Women's Flag Football Game

A 40mm hand gun. Something like that would make a marvelous addition to my collection.

Seriously though, sloppy reporting, writing, editing and proofing frosts me to no end.

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Journalism is literature in a hurry.
- Matthew Arnold

Henry Louis Gates Jr. is a Harvard Professor. But the other day he showed us that no matter what you have in the way of brains, it is still possible to be an idiot.

He was mistaken for a burglar when he and his driver forced open the stuck back door to his house. Someone witnessed this and called police reporting a burglary in progress. Police reports indicate that Gates became belligerent and abusive when he was asked to step out of his house. One thing led to another and the professor found himself handcuffed and carted off to the hotel for disorderly conduct.

That is what some of call a reality check. No one knows what he was thinking when he refused to the officer's requests and then orders that he step out of his house. The reality of the situation is that police officer involved was following  procedure for both officer safety and the safety of Professor Gates. For all the officer knew, there was a burglar in the house and Gates may not be aware of it.

In ether case the officer was trying to protect Professor Gates' home and property. That alone should generate some gratitude for the officer's efforts. But no. The professor complained so loudly that the President chimed in with both feet standing squarely on his tongue.

The other reality of the situation is that the police are going win right there on the spot. They will win every time on the scene. Better to go along with the program, especially on the off chance they are trying to keep you from becoming a victim, and complain later if you think they were out of line.

Going to war with the officers right then, right there on the scene is a losing proposition every time. You would think a highly educated man like a Harvard professor would know that.

Bernard Goldberg has an online forum on his site. Someone there posted a link to this video from the Chris Rock Show and that link inspired this post. (Not work safe for language.)

Perhaps Professor Gates should take a couple classes from Chris Rock. Mr. Rock seems to have a much better grasp on reality then the hyper-educated professor.

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"Everybody knows if the police have to come and get you, they are bringing an ass kicking with them."

- Chris Rock